INT. UNITED NATIONS HQ, NEW YORK CITY

The UN General Assembly is in full attendance. The atmosphere is tense.

SECRETARY GENERAL

We’ve searched the entire planet for a hero who can defend us from a fleet of hostile alien warships currently en route to Earth. And we have found no-one.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to announce that our entire planet is … doomed.

There is pandemonium. Several people faint, there are screams. A door at the back of the chamber is flung open. A NUCLEAR PHYSICIST is silhouetted in the doorway.

NUCLEAR PHYSICIST

Wait!

The crowd watches as she runs down the aisle to the podium and addresses the SECRETARY GENERAL.

NUCLEAR PHYSICIST (CONT’D)

We’ve found him! We’ve found a man who meets all the requirements!

SECRETARY GENERAL (incredulous)

You mean to tell me you’ve found a man who has a sound understanding of web technologies, animation, filming and editing?

NUCLEAR PHYSICIST

Yes, Sir. Also, he likes to write small programs that automate tasks.

An excited buzz goes around the auditorium.

DUTCH AMBASSADOR

But surely he does not possess a rudimentary knowledge of Dutch?

NUCLEAR PHYSICIST

Madam, he lived in Amsterdam for four years.

The DUTCH AMBASSADOR faints.

NEW ZEALAND AMBASSADOR

It’s no good. To defeat this master race of bloodthirsty aliens hellbent on destruction, he needs to have a New Zealand accent. For some reason.

NUCLEAR PHYSICIST

Well, that shouldn’t be a problem, as he’s … from New Zealand.

The auditorium erupts. Members begin making phone calls with great urgency.

SECRETARY GENERAL (taking glasses off)

My God, our prayers have been answered. What is this man’s name?

NUCLEAR PHYSICIST

His name is …

She turns to look directly at the camera.

NUCLEAR PHYSICIST (CONT’D)

Ian Haigh.

CUT TO:

INT. IAN HAIGH’S HOUSE - DAY

IAN HAIGH is slumped on a couch in front of a TV. He is picking his nose.