Hi guys it’s update time, and we’ve been hard at work! Especially since Steve spilled his smoothie on the server and we lost the source code. Good one, Steve.

WHAT’S NEW

  • Get trophies for sharing information about your friends, such as where they live and when they’re on vacation.

  • Customise how the app smells with three new fragrances: “Welcome to the Bath House”, “Yesterday’s Salmon”, and “Pumice”.

  • Use RatBucks™ to purchase upgrades to your Rat™.

  • Communicate with deceased relatives (in-app purchase).

  • Create an avatar! Mould your avatar out of wax. Give it a name. Build it a little home out of popsicle sticks. Hold it next to a candle and watch it melt.

BUG FIXES

  • Millennials found the interface to be too intuitive. This has been fixed.

  • Fixes an issue where a message would be periodically sent to your entire address book informing them that you feel suffocated in your relationship.

  • Fixes an issue where swiping left on the “About” page would result in slow, agonising death.

KNOWN ISSUES

  • This app gets jealous. If you experience passive aggressive behaviour, please refrain from using other apps.

  • Actually it’s probably best not to use any other apps, period.

  • In some cases the user will be recorded continuously until they do something incriminating. The footage will then be used to blackmail them.

As usual, we really value your feedback! We just don’t read it.

@ianhaigh